I had my last drunk on February 3, 2013.
I had started drinking that morning at 9 am which was common for me on the weekends.
I remember waking up that day the same way I did most mornings... Hungover and unable to remember how I got to bed the night before.
It was common for me to drink to the point of blacking out.
Every. Single. Night.
For over six years I have struggled with alcohol. I tried to stop countless times and each day I would choose to drink more to numb the self-hatred it caused..
I made a conscious choice that day. I chose to stop and I prayed with every fiber of my being that God would take the urge and the compulsion away from me. Then I came clean to myself, to a group of friends I could trust, and to my husband. And now, 88 days in, I am sharing this change with all of you.
By the grace of God I can tell you that I am living one day at a time. I attend AA meetings, I have a sponsor, and after almost three months I am finally seeing the forest through the trees of this wicked landscape of addiction.
Addiction to alcohol is cunning. What started as a glass of wine after the kids were in bed snowballed into four or more bottles of wine a day. Every day. It sneaks up on you like a thief and steals your joy and your ability to feel anything at all.
Addiction to alcohol is baffling. If I had a friend who was headed down this same path I would have done something to help them. I would have held an intervention, told their family, or drove them to treatment. Yet just like the frog that slowly boils itself as it raises the temperature of the water in which it sits I could not realize until it was too late that I had a serious problem. A problem of which I thought the only solution was having another drink. And then another.
Addiction to alcohol is powerful. It made me apathetic to the thousands of dollars I threw away every year, it blinded me to the damage I was doing to my mind and my body and it made me believe sitting at home drinking myself into a stupor was more important than plans with my friends and family.
These past weeks have been a new beginning for me. A beginning of becoming more transparent and real to those of you who read my blog. Since starting my journey through sobriety I have written and erased nearly a dozen blog posts out of fear of saying the wrong thing or, in all honesty, for fear of failing. The fear of relapse scares me literally to death.
The first thirty days were surprisingly easy on me. Those first mornings waking up clear-headed and aware felt gratifying. However, by the time I reached day 31 the newness of it had worn off and I went through a period where I felt like I was white-knuckling my sobriety. I am so thankful I chose that time to start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In these meetings I have found others like myself learning to live free from the chains of addiction. AA has helped me see that I am anything but alone.
I will be forever grateful to a very close group of friends I have online. These people know who they are and over the past 88 days there has scarcely been a day I have gone to my mailbox and not found a card or a gift waiting for me. These are fellow special needs parents like myself who have surrounded me with love and support during a time when I was unable to give anything in return. They have quite literally saved my life and my sanity. I love you guys.
Today is a new day. I do not know what tomorrow holds for me. Frankly, I don't care. Today I am grateful for my sobriety. For the courage to come clean and not be ashamed anymore.
I am Sunday. I am an alcoholic.
I am enough.