Dear Ann Curry:
This morning I was watching your broadcast, as I do every morning, and I heard the story about the young lady named Cheyenne who was both bullied and demeaned by her special education teachers. I was appalled by the behavior of the teacher and the teacher's assistant and furthermore was outraged that the school district did nothing until the father took it upon himself to equip his daughter with a recording device in order to catch the bullying first hand.
However, the bullying Cheyenne endured at the hands of these adults is not the only thing that troubled me about this segment.
In particular I was upset by the way you spoke to both Cheyenne and her father.
I specifically take note of your comment to the young lady's father, "I'll tell you one thing that Cheyenne has that makes her very lucky and that is how much you love her." and then to Cheyenne herself you said, "You are so lucky that your dad loves you so much."
To the casual observer I am sure this came across as a heartfelt compliment to a family that has been through a heart wrenching ordeal. However, to the parent of a special needs child this is one of the most backhanded compliments you can give.
Speaking from personal experience I am not new to comments such as these. I typically receive them from strangers who have just witnessed one or both of my two sons having a massive meltdown in the middle of the grocery store. You see, I am a mother of two sons on the severe end of the autism spectrum. Most of the time people don't know what to say when I tell them that but more often than not I get the same line you fed to Cheyenne and her father today.
When I hear someone tell me how "lucky" my boys are to have me my mind immediately processes the comment as this,
"Wow! That kid is damn lucky to have you because there is no way in hell I could handle a kid like yours. Way to go making the best of the crappy hand you've been dealt at the parenting table."
Some may think I am overreacting but I would be willing to bet that if you asked Cheyenne's father he'd tell you he didn't appreciate being congratulated on loving and caring for his own child.
I am sure, Ms. Curry, that in your heart of hearts you meant for your comment to come out more along the lines of, "I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. I am saddened that the very people you should have been able to trust with your daughter's education and care failed you. My hope is that your speaking out about this situation may help prevent other special education students from suffering the same abuse."
But that isn't what you said.
And while I'm on the subject of what is appropriate and inappropriate to say to a special needs individual and their family lets discuss the touching. Was it really necessary to repeatedly stroke and touch Cheyenne's arm and then at the end of the segment pat it as if she is a house pet? The majority of special needs children and individuals I know find being touched to be a real invasion of their personal space. In fact, if someone was to randomly touch one of my sons they would either be met with a stiff head butt or would be inviting an 80 pound child to hop in their lap. Cheyenne is a fourteen year old young lady and when you speak and interact with her you should treat her as you would any teenage girl.
I hope that in the future you will consider your words more carefully. That you will treat all your guests, special needs or neuro-typical, with the respect they deserve.
Sincerely,
Sunday E. Stilwell
Owings Mills, Maryland
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
"He never got outside the building"
There are a number of phrases no parent ever wants to hear. No one likes hearing their child has been naughty or has disobeyed an adult's orders. As a special needs parent I especially dislike the phone calls and notes sent home that tell me one of my children was aggressive or repeated an unsavory word they heard on the playground, TV, or even at home (honestly, I didn't mean to scream F*%@ at the top of my lungs when I stubbed my toe!)
But by far the worst three words anyone can ever say to a parent of a child with autism is this: "They lost Sam." But that is just what I heard yesterday afternoon from the Trouble Brother's bus driver.
The driver, bless his soul, knows my boys inside and out. He has been their driver for almost three years and so when one of the boys is sick or absent he is always quick to ask if they are okay. Last year he bought Sam a drum at an auction for him to bang on while riding on the bus. Clearly this is a man with a big heart (and most likely partial to complete deafness in one or both ears now).
As he told me what had happened I stood there with my mouth wide open in disbelief. Apparently Noah's 1:1 aide escorted him to the bus as he does every afternoon and as he began walking back into the school. Because this aide does not work with Sam in his classroom he didn't realize Sam was supposed to be there. What is even more amazing is that the boys ride a different bus in the afternoon than the one in the morning. For all our bus driver knew Sam may have been absent from school yesterday and just drove away none the wiser headed for his regular route.
But thank God he didn't.
Instead he yelled back to the aide that he was missing Sam and was he in school that day? At that moment Noah's teacher (who was also Sam's teacher last year) walked outside the school and noticed what was happening. She promptly walked back into the school and began searching the rooms of the school for Sam.
I do not know how long this process took. Minutes? Perhaps five or ten? In the end she found him in the book room, alone, looking through the various books, puppets, and other supplies kept there. She took his hand, escorted him to the bus, and waited to make sure he was secured in his seat.
That was the story I was given from the bus driver.
As soon as I had the boys inside our home I went on autopilot. I made sure Sam used the potty, got both the boys a snack and a drink, turned on a TV show for Noah and then made my way to the phone and called the school.
I spoke with the vice principal and I do believe the first words out of her mouth were, "I am right now investigating how this happened." I voiced my many and varied concerns over what could have happened if Sam had made it outside the building, I questioned who he was supposed to be with at the end of the day and most of all I wanted to know why no one noticed he was missing in the first place? The VP was very quick to tell me she was going to get to the bottom of how and where the breakdown of supervision occurred.
Both of my sons attend public schools. However, they are not in a mainstream class. Instead they are in a special classroom with a curriculum developed especially for children with autism spectrum disorders. Within these classrooms there are typically less than six students and most if not all of the students have a 1:1 aide in addition to the teacher. Their individual aides are in charge of helping them with their schoolwork, changing their diapers or assisting those that do use the toilets, transitioning them from activity to activity within the school, and also delivering them to and from the school buses in both the morning and afternoon.
Clearly someone dropped the ball yesterday afternoon and in that moment Sam slipped away unnoticed.
Today the vice principal called me to tell me what her investigation into the situation uncovered. Yesterday there were six students in the classroom, seven aides and one teacher. When she asked the teacher who was in charge of Sam in the afternoon she was given two names. One aide said he/she believed Sam was with the other and vice versa. She then said, "I want you to know that at no time was Sam outside the building".
I'd say they're pretty damn lucky that was the case.
I told her I felt this situation was very bad whether or not he was in or outside the school building. The fact of the matter is for a period of time a special needs child was missing and unaccounted for and if it hadn't been for the bus driver noticing his absence and questioning it this situation could have ended very very badly.
As in "my kid is on the six o'clock news" bad.
We are all aware of the recent story out of Virginia where eight year old Robbie Wood wandered away from his family while on a nature walk. He was missing for six days. They found him on the sixth day, alive but lethargic, in a rock quarry. They speculate that the fact that he was autistic may have actually benefited him during those solitary days and nights.
But this story had a positive turnout. Hundreds of others do not.
In the end, the two aides have been given written warnings that will remain in their personnel files. If they receive another they will lose their jobs. The aides and teachers have been brought together and instructed on how to prevent this situation from happening again in the future and the vice principal assures me from this day forward a head count will be done numerous times per day to insure all children are accounted for.
I want to say I feel satisfied with the school's response. But mostly I just want to hold my boys closer, I want to be able to ensure that 100% of the time they are safe, that nothing can hurt them, and that they never have to feel fear, disappointment, or pain. But I can't do that.
What I can do is write this blog post and urge each of you to be sure you have a wandering emergency plan for your child(ren). Be sure their school has recent photos and a list of favorite places a child may go to in the area. Visit AWAARE.org (Autism Wandering Awareness Alerts Response Education) and check out their resources and information. Buy your child(ren) a safety alert bracelet, necklace or shoe tag. Print out this social story and read it with your child(ren).
As for me I am going to keep a closer watch on my boys. My Sam and my Noah. I am going to start asking more questions, visit the school more often, and make sure the teachers and administration knows how very lucky they are that this incident had a happy ending.
Because frankly the alternative scares the crap out of me.
But by far the worst three words anyone can ever say to a parent of a child with autism is this: "They lost Sam." But that is just what I heard yesterday afternoon from the Trouble Brother's bus driver.
The driver, bless his soul, knows my boys inside and out. He has been their driver for almost three years and so when one of the boys is sick or absent he is always quick to ask if they are okay. Last year he bought Sam a drum at an auction for him to bang on while riding on the bus. Clearly this is a man with a big heart (and most likely partial to complete deafness in one or both ears now).
As he told me what had happened I stood there with my mouth wide open in disbelief. Apparently Noah's 1:1 aide escorted him to the bus as he does every afternoon and as he began walking back into the school. Because this aide does not work with Sam in his classroom he didn't realize Sam was supposed to be there. What is even more amazing is that the boys ride a different bus in the afternoon than the one in the morning. For all our bus driver knew Sam may have been absent from school yesterday and just drove away none the wiser headed for his regular route.
But thank God he didn't.
Instead he yelled back to the aide that he was missing Sam and was he in school that day? At that moment Noah's teacher (who was also Sam's teacher last year) walked outside the school and noticed what was happening. She promptly walked back into the school and began searching the rooms of the school for Sam.
I do not know how long this process took. Minutes? Perhaps five or ten? In the end she found him in the book room, alone, looking through the various books, puppets, and other supplies kept there. She took his hand, escorted him to the bus, and waited to make sure he was secured in his seat.
That was the story I was given from the bus driver.
As soon as I had the boys inside our home I went on autopilot. I made sure Sam used the potty, got both the boys a snack and a drink, turned on a TV show for Noah and then made my way to the phone and called the school.
I spoke with the vice principal and I do believe the first words out of her mouth were, "I am right now investigating how this happened." I voiced my many and varied concerns over what could have happened if Sam had made it outside the building, I questioned who he was supposed to be with at the end of the day and most of all I wanted to know why no one noticed he was missing in the first place? The VP was very quick to tell me she was going to get to the bottom of how and where the breakdown of supervision occurred.
Both of my sons attend public schools. However, they are not in a mainstream class. Instead they are in a special classroom with a curriculum developed especially for children with autism spectrum disorders. Within these classrooms there are typically less than six students and most if not all of the students have a 1:1 aide in addition to the teacher. Their individual aides are in charge of helping them with their schoolwork, changing their diapers or assisting those that do use the toilets, transitioning them from activity to activity within the school, and also delivering them to and from the school buses in both the morning and afternoon.
Clearly someone dropped the ball yesterday afternoon and in that moment Sam slipped away unnoticed.
Today the vice principal called me to tell me what her investigation into the situation uncovered. Yesterday there were six students in the classroom, seven aides and one teacher. When she asked the teacher who was in charge of Sam in the afternoon she was given two names. One aide said he/she believed Sam was with the other and vice versa. She then said, "I want you to know that at no time was Sam outside the building".
I'd say they're pretty damn lucky that was the case.
I told her I felt this situation was very bad whether or not he was in or outside the school building. The fact of the matter is for a period of time a special needs child was missing and unaccounted for and if it hadn't been for the bus driver noticing his absence and questioning it this situation could have ended very very badly.
As in "my kid is on the six o'clock news" bad.
We are all aware of the recent story out of Virginia where eight year old Robbie Wood wandered away from his family while on a nature walk. He was missing for six days. They found him on the sixth day, alive but lethargic, in a rock quarry. They speculate that the fact that he was autistic may have actually benefited him during those solitary days and nights.
But this story had a positive turnout. Hundreds of others do not.
In the end, the two aides have been given written warnings that will remain in their personnel files. If they receive another they will lose their jobs. The aides and teachers have been brought together and instructed on how to prevent this situation from happening again in the future and the vice principal assures me from this day forward a head count will be done numerous times per day to insure all children are accounted for.
I want to say I feel satisfied with the school's response. But mostly I just want to hold my boys closer, I want to be able to ensure that 100% of the time they are safe, that nothing can hurt them, and that they never have to feel fear, disappointment, or pain. But I can't do that.
What I can do is write this blog post and urge each of you to be sure you have a wandering emergency plan for your child(ren). Be sure their school has recent photos and a list of favorite places a child may go to in the area. Visit AWAARE.org (Autism Wandering Awareness Alerts Response Education) and check out their resources and information. Buy your child(ren) a safety alert bracelet, necklace or shoe tag. Print out this social story and read it with your child(ren).
As for me I am going to keep a closer watch on my boys. My Sam and my Noah. I am going to start asking more questions, visit the school more often, and make sure the teachers and administration knows how very lucky they are that this incident had a happy ending.
Because frankly the alternative scares the crap out of me.
Friday, November 4, 2011
I'm on TV!
Well, my cookies have at least.
My sister, Caryn of Fat & Sassy Mama, has a weekly cooking segment on News 9 of Oklahoma City each week and this week I gave her the go ahead to make my cookies and share the recipe with the viewers.
So, here are my cookies (complete with a shout out to my blog!!) on television:
My sister, Caryn of Fat & Sassy Mama, has a weekly cooking segment on News 9 of Oklahoma City each week and this week I gave her the go ahead to make my cookies and share the recipe with the viewers.
So, here are my cookies (complete with a shout out to my blog!!) on television:
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