I'm losing weight but not my mind

First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you who left comments on my blog, Facebook, and Twitter last week after I wrote this post. I wasn't in a very good place and I was overwhelmed, lonely, and stressed. Your words of support and validation really made me feel less alone in this crazy world of raising children with special needs.

Thankfully, today I have some good news to share with all of you to balance things out a bit.

A little over 2 weeks ago I reached an impasse with myself.  I had hit an all time low punctuated by a vicious pattern of self loathing that I just couldn't live with anymore.  I was self-medicating with food and alcohol and together those two vices had landed me a good forty pounds overweight.  Every day I would wake up promising myself I wouldn't eat & drink my feelings and my loneliness away.  And every night I would go to bed a failure hating myself.

For those of you wondering I am 5'9" and have a larger frame than most women.  

A healthy weight for me is 160 pounds.

That look I am making?  That would be called disgust.
Also, clean your damn mirror woman!

Then I read my friend Veronica's blog and heard about a not-so radical eating plan she had researched and had found success in.  Its called the 17 Day Diet and when I first read the title I was not impressed.  I really thought it was just another "fad" diet that required you to eat six grapefruits and drink 120 oz. of cabbage water per day for six months.  Been there, done that, not doing it again.

I did some research on my own and found that the diet had been endorsed by quite a few professionals, including the doctors on the show by the same name.  But, I still wasn't sold.  So, I bought the 17 day diet book from Amazon for my Kindle and figured I'd give it a couple hours of time and see what it said.

And that is when I knew it wasn't just a bunch of smoke and mirrors.

The plan is pretty damn simple.  There are 3 stages and each stage is split up by 17 days.  The first stage is the most regimented and requires you to cut out  carbs, processed sugar, alcohol, soft drinks and many of the overly sweet fruits.  It is very rich in low proteins (such as chicken and turkey breast, pork tenderloin, and fish/ seafood) and lots of vegetables (but not those heavy in starch, such as potatoes, peas, lima beans, etc).  Its important that each day you eat at least one serving of  yogurt high in beneficial bacteria and two servings of low sugar fruit (such as berries, apples, or peaches).  To some this may sound extreme but to me it just sounded healthy.  It sounded like the way we are supposed to be eating, but in my case, seldom did.

In the first 7 days I lost 9.7 pounds!  And lest you think that was all water weight I know for a fact it wasn't because I was drinking at least 8-10 glasses of water per day and I wasn't living in the bathroom.

Today, is my last day in Phase 1 and I have lost 15 pounds.

15!

This is including the dinner I had on Father's Day at Bonefish Grill which was in no way whatsoever friendly to any of the rules of the 17 day diet.  I totally blew that day out of the water but the very next day I was back on track.

I already feel more confident and positive.  Last week I took more pictures of myself then I think I have taken in the past two years combined.

Here are a couple:

I really like these pictures.  In each of them I look hopeful.  I look patient.

I think that is because I am.  Because I know I'm worth it.

I still have at least 30 pounds to go and 2 more phases to complete but I am confident that the positive vibes I have been getting from stepping on the scale and watching the numbers fall and the clothing I couldn't wear one month ago that is now starting to sag with keep me on track towards reaching my goal.

And what is my goal you may ask?

I can tell quite matter of factly that it is not a specific number on the scale.  It is a dream I have held for a very long time.  Its a state of mind and a presence of person that will tell me when I have finally made it where I want to be.

And this is it:

I want to be able to walk into my favorite store and buy an article of clothing and have it FIT!  I adore Anthropologie and their clothing is whimsical, romantic, and entirely too damn small for a gal my size.

But I aim to fix that and I have never been one to back down on something I am passionate committed to finishing.

So, I'll keep you all posted on how I am doing and hopefully by Christmas this Mama will be rockin a sweet little cocktail dress from her favorite store.

Summer "break"

When I was a kid summer break was awesome. We'd sleep until 9 in the morning, wake up and watch cartoons until 10 and then go straight from our jammies into our swimsuits and ride our bike to the local pool. Then we'd splash and play until around 5:00 and head home for dinner. After dinner we'd run through the sprinkler in the yard and eventually find ourselves laying down on blankets staring up at the sky to see who could count the most satellites as night fell.

I miss those days.

I really really miss those days.

Before I had children I used to imagined what summer break would look like when I had kids some day.  I was rather sure it would be a lot like mine had been.  I wanted to be able to share the great memories of vacations, day-camp, and riding bikes to the pool with them.

I wanted to enjoy summer with my kids.

I didn't want to feel as though I am merely attempting to survive it.

But, that is what I am left with.  I white knuckle it through the longest 3 months of the year and at the end of it I wipe my brow, pat myself on the back and thank God I didn't crumble under the weight of the stress.


I know that like most changes my boys meet this current transition is going to take some getting used to.  They still very much want to be at school and most mornings they wake up saying "school bus" and looking expectantly at the clock.  When the time of day passes when they would normally have been catching the bus their behavior begins to unravel.

Followed closely by my sanity.


It frustrates me that I cannot make their life easier so that ultimately our life together can be smoother and more enjoyable for everyone.

I wish I knew if they were happy. So much of the time their tantrums, meltdowns, and palpable anxiety feeds directly into my own and we're all left feeling a bit trodden upon at the end of the day.

Or so I assume.... because they can't tell me how they feel.  I have to make assumptions based on their body language, whether they became aggressive that day, or by how many times I had to separate them because Sam takes his anger out on his little brother.

And then I feel the guilt that comes from trying to change anyone around me other than myself.  I feel guilty for not enjoying my children more.  Guilty for spending so much time just counting down the number of hours before they are in bed and I can breathe without this heaviness upon my heart.

I don't much care for summer break. 

And we're only two days into it.

7 years.

On June 14th, 2004 I lost the best thing that ever happened to me...

She carried me for nine months.

Breastfed me for two years.

Kissed my boo-boos (of which there were many).

Stayed home and raised me and my two sisters.

Would tickle my back at night when I had a nightmare to ease me back to sleep.

Didn't send me to preschool because home with her was where she wanted me.

Made my dresses because I was too tall to wear the ones sold in the stores.

Never bought a cake from a store for my birthday but made it herself from scratch.

Signed me up for art classes to boost my self-esteem when I floundered socially.

Taught me how to pluck my eyebrows and shave my legs when I was 12.


Held me as I cried when a boy broke my heart (of which there were many).

Never told me she was disappointed in me when I got pregnant at 16.

Held me as I cried when I miscarried and never told me, "it was probably for the best"...even though it was.

Sent me off to college with her favorite pillow and blanket for my bed.

Welcomed me back with open arms when I dropped out 2 months later and never made me feel like a failure for it...even though I did.

Didn't kick me out of the house when I told her I didn't believe in God anymore...instead she quietly told me she would pray for me.

Helped me pack my car as I prepared to drive 2000 miles across the country to a city I had never visited, to a job I didn't have yet, into the company of a friend she had never met...and never once told me I was crazy.

Told me she was proud of me when I not only made it in one piece but flourished on my own just like she always knew I could.

Walked down the aisle ahead of me as I got married a year later.

Called me every week (or I her) to talk about what was happening in our lives so far apart.

Never asked me why she didn't have a grandchild yet...knowing it was not happening as easily as we thought it would.

Rejoiced with me when I told her infertility had brought me to my knees and back into the arms of Jesus who had saved me from myself.

Cried tears of joy when I told her she would have to come visit in January of 2003 to say hello to her new grandson, Sam.

Encouraged me in breastfeeding little Sam who had so much trouble getting it down but never once looked down on me when I gave in to the bottle when he was six months old.

Answered the phone late in the evening of June 11, 2004 and said, "Hello, Angel pie." when she heard my voice.

Talked to me for over an hour that night about nothing and everything before telling me she loved me and that she needed to get to bed.

Passed out the next morning in her bedroom and didn't have the stroke in her car because then so many other people may have been hurt.

Hung on for a full day until I could get get to her bedside to say goodbye and thank her for everything she did for me.

Slipped away quietly and at peace the next morning after the longest night of my life by her bedside surrounded by my sisters.

...She was so much more than my Mom.  She was my heart, she was my best friend, and now she is my angel and I am blessed beyond measure for the beautiful 28 years I had her.

I love you Mama.

I miss you forever and always.

Love, your daughter,

For the love of Instagram!

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook you may have noticed my newest obsession with an iPhone app called Instagram.

It is a free mobile photo app that allows you to take photos using your iPhone and then share them with other users.  In my opinion the best part of Instagram is the ability to "love" and then comment on a person's pictures.  Its become a pictorial twitter, so to speak.   A specific picture can have hundreds of comments and within those comments a dialogue can build and in some cases even a friendship.

Users will share their photos using hashtags that can then be clicked on to locate other users who have tagged their pictures with the same.   Like I said, very much like Twitter.

My two all time favorite hashtags are #dailysqueeze and #squish.  Apparently there are few things funnier in this world than using a giant hand to squeeze a teeny tiny object...and thousands of people are doing it!

On Sunday I thought it would be funny to do a #dailysqueeze recipe for my infamous chocolate chip cookies.  So, for those of you who are not on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram I thought I would share it with you.

To begin you will preheat your oven to 375 degrees F. You will then need 2 sticks of butter & 1 stick of butter Crisco melted in the microwave until completely liquified.

Next you will measure 1 1/2 cups of both granulated and brown sugar and place in your mixer or a big bowl if you are mixing by hand.  Which, if you are mixing by hand you are in for quite a workout!

You will then add the melted Crisco and butter in with the sugar and mix well. To this you will add 4 large eggs and mix well, 2 teaspoons of baking soda, 1 teaspoon of salt, and 4 Tablespoons of real vanilla extract (yes, I said TABLESPOONS!) and mix well.  Finally you will begin adding a total of 6 cups of all purpose flour and mix really well.

At the very end you add 2 1/2 cups of chocolate chips (I prefer Hershey's semi-sweet) and then place the cookie dough onto your pans using a cookie scoop.

The next part is very important!!  You MUST resist the urge to stick all those little balls of buttery chocolate goodness in your mouth because if you do you'll never get to taste how good they are when they're baked!  So, pop 1 in your mouth and get on with the next step!

Set your timer for 8 minutes and put the 2 pans in the oven, 1 on the top rack and 1 on the bottom (obviously).

Yes, I have a magnet that says, "I fling poo".  I have 2 boys with autism and if I don't laugh about the reality that is their potty issues I'd go crazy.  Trust me.

When the timer goes off open the oven and rotate the pans(top pan goes on bottom and vice versa) so that the cookies bake and brown evenly. Return to the oven for another 8 minutes.

When the timer dings remove the pans from the oven and scoop out onto a wire rack to cool.

This recipe will make enough small cookies to feed a large army (approx. 60) or 30 very large cookies to feed a small army.