Pediatrician visits,
Behavioral psychologist visits,
visits to a GI specialist,
Miralax doses,
Double Fiber "Colon-Blow" breads,
Gluten-free diets,
Vigorous exercise,
Extra fluids,
Glycerin suppositories, and
prayer
EVERYTHING!
Well, not everything.
I have not tried giving him an enema.
This is mainly because he is so adverse to anyone touching his belly and bottom that I am genuinely afraid it would hurt him if I tried to restrain him and stick the enema up his bottom.
The last thing the poor thing needs is a perforated colon.
I feel like we are at the end of our crappy rope and I am left with few choices.
Which is why I am considering scheduling an exorcism for my son's butt.
I do not know what kind of evil, cruel, pain-inflicting spirit my little boy has up his ass but I am here to say that it is not welcome to stay any longer. It has tormented Noah (and me) for well over a year now and it is high time it moved on to someone much more deserving of this kind of torment.
Might I suggest Osama Bin Ladin? Never before has there been a man more deserving of an ass demon. In fact, our military should seriously consider an ass demon blitz as our country's newest weapon of mass destruction. It would be a literal attack of the enemy from the inside out!
I promise you no terrorist is going to feel up for working with high explosives and suicide vests when his insides are turned to a combination of cement and pop rocks!
Frankly, I just want my son to be healed of the constant pain and misery. Also, my wallet could really use the extra money I would save on not buying 2 jumbo packs of diapers per week, the myriad of diaper-rash creams, and stool softening products.
On a side note... Anyone know the name of the Patron Saint of Constipation? Cause I need all the help I can get.
