What I have been feeling is crispy.
Crispy is one step past burnt-out. Its worse because you're not just burnt, you're still actively burning. Its a familiar feeling amongst stay-at-home moms and people with high stress jobs and responsibilities. Its the recognizing that you are past burnt-out but you can't do anything to change it at the moment and so you put your emotions and your life on a kind of auto-pilot.
That is how I've been feeling for a few weeks now.
I know I have a number of things to blame for my condition but what it really comes down to is me. I have to care enough about myself to start taking care of myself better than I have lately.
This means I need to eat less steak and potatoes and more salads and fresh fruits and veggies. I need to get back into daily exercise because it makes me feel energetic and strong. I need to drink less wine and more water. I need to get my butt back into church and actively worship the God I owe everything I have to.
And the only person who can decide to do these things is me.
In the next couple weeks there will be some major changes taking place. For the first time ever both boys will be in school for a full day. That means that from 8:30 am to 4:00 Monday through Friday I will have time to show a little more love to myself.
I'll finally be able to read the dozen or more magazines I haven't opened in the past 3 months, I'll be able to write blog posts on a more regular (daily?) basis, walk/ run the 3 miles I used to before summer began, begin teaching myself web design (cause I'm cheap like that), and go to lunch a couple times a week with friends.
I want to look into ways to make money at this writing/ blogging thing I do. I want to expand my horizons in the blog and media world and make a difference in the lives of other moms raising children with special needs.
And I know that those goals will be possible once I step off the crisp-o-matic and back into a schedule that gives me some room to breathe....and to be a friend to myself.
