The boys had their yearly checkup today with their Pediatrician.
I have found that having their appointments at the same time is much like removing a band-aid quickly.
Painful...but over and done with much quicker.
But honestly I had the better end of the deal. Noah had to have 2 new immunizations and a finger stick and Sam had to have 1 immunization and a finger stick. Normally one would think that the finger stick would be the easy-peasy part.
This is so NOT the case when it comes to Mr. Noah.
First off, Noah hates band-aids. So even though they put one on him he is guaranteed to gnaw that sucker off within 10 seconds.
This occasion was no different.
Noah is screaming and squeezing his hands together which is making him bleed faster and more furiously. I am attempting to hold a tissue against his hand to stop the flow and in response Noah is kicking and thrashing about in hopes of thwarting my blood-clotting attempts.
Meanwhile poor Sam is looking on in horror and the nurses are waiting to administer his shot and finger stick.
My Sam is such a tender-hearted boy. He began crying not because of his own impending shot but because he was worried about his brother. He kept saying "Its okay Noah, its okay" over and over again.
By the grace of God we made it through Sam's shot and finger stick and unlike his brother Sam loves band-aids. In fact, whenever Dr. Stein looks in his ears he asks for a band-aids and being the great doctor that she is she is more than happy to oblige him by placing them on the side of his neck just below his ears.
It took another 15 to 20 minutes to get Noah calmed down enough for me to pick him up and carry him out of the office and to the car. Thankfully I had my Mommy's Little Helper, Katie, along for the ride to help me with Sam.
Once we were all in the car I felt like I had just run a marathon. My heart was beating double time, I was sweating and when I looked in the rear-view mirror poor Noah looked like Hannibal Lechter from Silence of the Lambs with tear-stained blood streaks down his face and arms.
Its occasions like these that leave me feeling sad and frustrated by autism and the grip it has on the minds of my children.
It is heartbreaking to know that no amount of preparation, social stories, or books about visits to the doctor can help my boys understand the need for immunizations and the occasional finger stick.
It pains me to hear their screaming as we hold them down and to know that nothing I say or do can soothe their intense confusion.
As the Mommy I am supposed to be the one who keeps anything in this world from hurting them. And yet, I have no way of reaching the area of their mind that would comprehend the horrors of diseases such as Polio, Pertussis, and Tetanus. I can't help them understand that the momentary pain is necessary to prevent something that is so much more painful and potentially deadly.
How do I help Noah realize that the band-aid he hates so much is actually helping him by giving his finger a hug which prevents the flow of blood that terrifies him?
How can I help Sam see that Mommy isn't holding Noah down to hurt him but so the nurses can safely administer the shots he needs?
The fact is....I can't.
All I can do is dry their tears, tell them I'm sorry, and pray they forgive me for the pain they cannot fathom is for their own good.
And somewhere in those moments I forgive myself as well.
