Walking through the baby aisles I was struck by countless baby items that are completely void of use, massively overrated, and one that made me sad that it even needed to be marketed and sold at all.
I am no expert in infant merchandising but I am a mom of 2 and we certainly received our share of baby gifts when they were infants and toddlers. On top of that my boys have autism and therefore their infant and toddler-hood was lively, sometimes exhausting, many time joyful, and almost always frustrating. They put the "extreme" in parenthood and gave this blog its name.
I figured the least I could do is share my Top 10 guide on what NOT to buy if you are expecting a baby (or expected to buy a baby gift for someone else)
1) Stretch mark and breast lift creams
It turns out some women's skin has more elasticity and is resilient to the stretching of the skin during pregnancy. This fact has nothing to do with what the woman may or may not have rubbed all over her expanding waistline. It is not the cream that makes the woman's skin more elastic. It is her genes.
However, if a woman goes through pregnancy and then breastfeeds she is in for a real treat. Those perky breasts she once had are going to change. Not necessarily for the worse, but they will not be what they were before. The idea that a cream can help "lift" the girls back up to their perky status after pregnancy and breastfeeding is asinine.
Dare to dream sweetie, but take it from me... your rack is going to need a whole lot more support than a simple cream can provide to raise them back up to where they once perched.
2) Fancy-schmancy hospital gowns
Everyone imagines what giving birth will be and most of us (if we are honest) can say it was nothing like what we expected. I remember when I was pregnant with Sam wanting to have a pretty gown to wear in the hospital and cute socks to wear so that the first thing he would see when he came out was how pretty his mama looked waiting to welcome him to the world.
I have seen some of these custom-made gowns online and they are selling for upwards of $119.00 a piece.
WHAT?? For that amount the woman who made it should have to endure the pain of childbirth for you!
What a crock! The fact is I ended up with a C-section and that pretty hospital gown was replaced with a standard hospital gown. The cute socks were spattered with blood the first time I stood up the day after my surgery and the fact is your sweet little baby could care less what you look like. In fact, nobody in the room will care one whit what you look like because they are all there to see THE BABY!
3) Manual Breast Pump
If you are going to be breastfeeding you will need to use a pump either for when you return to work or to make it possible for someone else to feed the little darling with a bottle while you
When I was breastfeeding Sam I didn't know any better and I figured a manual hand-pump style breast pump would be perfectly fine for getting the job done. Its not! Not even close.
Do yourself a really big favor and register for the dual-boob battery operated pump. It is not cheap but that machine will save you numerous hand cramps and bouts of carpal tunnel flare ups. Not to mention the dual boob option gets both the girls done at the same time!
The battery powered double breast pump by Medela is Banshee Approved!
4) Heated Baby Wipes Warmer
Both times I was pregnant I had women who swore by their love for the heated baby wipes warmer. They said it made their children soooo much calmer during diaper changes and it just felt nicer than a cold wipe out of some random plastic container.
Well, I am here to tell you that those women were crazy. or delusional. or maybe both.
Because in my experience with my sons anytime I would change their diaper, be in daytime or the middle of the night, they cried if the wipe was warm or cold. They could have cared less about the temperature of the item on their butt. What they did care about was how soon it would be before they got that bottle they were screaming for.
5) Crib Bedding Sets
I admit that when I was daydreaming about what my children's nursery would look like I always imagined those beautiful sleigh cribs with the plush colorful bedding sets complete with sheets, crib bumper, baby blanket, pillow, and dust ruffle.
Then I looked at their price tag.
$189.00??? Are you kidding me?
Then there is the often forgotten fact that a baby can become entangled in a crib surrounded by a bumper and can smother under a pillow or blanket that gets too close to their face. All you have to do is watch a 2 or 3 month old pitching a fit in their crib to see how easily either of those situations could happen.
I wasn't willing to take any risks when my boys were born. They slept in a bed with a fitted sheet, no bumper, no blanket, and certainly no pillows. I simply dressed them in blanket sleepers and in the winter I sometimes doubled them up so they stayed warm.
6) Pacifier Wipes, Boogie Wipes, and any wipe not meant for a baby's butt:
They seem to have wipes for everything now. Boogers, antibacterial pacifier wipes and special wipes for a woman's breasts for before and after she breastfeeds.
If someone buys these items for you as a baby gift than by all means use them. But, what you will find out rather quickly is that the baby wipes you buy for your sweet little baby's butt are the same wipes you will end up using for everything!
Heck, to this day I still use baby wipes to remove my makeup (when I actually wear it) or to simply freshen up when I'm feeling hot and sweaty. When one of my kids had a giant bugger on their nose, I used a baby wipe (or their shirt if I was going to be changing them anyway). When Sam dropped his pacifier on the ground (which thankfully he only used for the first 6 weeks of his life) I washed it off with water or better yet I popped it in my mouth to clean it off.
I realize these may not be the most hygienic ways of keeping our children or ourselves clean but when you are juggling a baby, carseat, diaper bag, and another toddler I think most mothers would admit they reach for what is closest at hand.
And that's usually a baby wipe.
7) Prenatal "Education" Systems
No, I am not kidding.
They actually sell a band that a pregnant woman wears around her ever-expanding belly that plays music and rhythms to train your baby in utero. They tout this product as ensuring your child be "born more alert and responsive, nurse better, sleep better, and later in life, enjoy improved school readiness". The pregnant woman is supposed to wear this band twice a day for an hour each time and its best to start the program between 18-32 weeks of pregnancy.
I have no idea how a product like this even exists. Its ridiculous, Frivolous, and totally stupid. (and you can quote me on that).
Want to know what the Banshee thinks you should do to ensure a happy, healthy baby?
Get plenty of sleep (because the opportunity to do so will be gone before you know it), eat healthy amounts of fruit, vegetables and whole grains, drink plenty of fluids, and do some sort of light exercise that does not raise your heart rate above 150 bpm 3 times a week.
Thats it!
Good nutrition, light exercise, and a good night's rest is the best gift you can give your unborn child.
8) Dreft Laundry Detergent
This is an easy one...just switch to a fragrance-free & dye-free clothes detergent and wash everyone's clothing in it. That way you aren't doing a special load of laundry for the baby's items and wasting a ton of water and money on an expensive fancy-schmancy detergent.
9) Swings, Bouncy Seats and Exersaucers
If these items work for your baby and soothe them to sleep or entertain them long enough for you to take a shower or cook dinner than I will be the first one to shout hallelujah from the highest hilltop at their success.
But in my experience with 2 very different babies is that they will either love it or hate it. There is no middle ground. No shades of gray. Your baby will either scream the moment you put them in it or happily lounge there all day and sleep in it at night. If that is the case for your child you are truly blessed!
Thankfully I never shelled out the $50-$100.00 price tag for some of these items myself. I received all of them as baby gifts or I bought them super cheap at yard sales. In fact, my boys hated them so much that their Dad and I used to refer to them as the "neglectomatic" because of how they would know if we put .
10) MilkScreen Alcohol Tests for Breast Milk
This product both angers and saddens me. On the one hand I am quite aware that many a midwife or lactation consultant will advise a nursing mother to drink a beer in the evening when she is tired and her milk supply is waning. Something about the hops or the barley in the beer help boost milk production. But, that is 1 beer. Not a 6 pack and certainly not a kegger in the backyard on a hot summer night.
When I was breastfeeding Sam I drank a beer some nights when I was exhausted and my milk supply was sorely lacking in response to the demands being placed upon it. What is funny is that the boys' Dad has an affinity for the more costly brews and would stare at me in shock and disdain as I held my nose and downed the beer as quickly as I could so I could then go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and mouth to remove the horrid taste. You could say I was not a beer lover. or liker even.
However, the idea that some women may drink so much that they need to test their milk ahead of time to ensure its "safe" to feed to their baby is downright ludicrous. It makes me sad that we even have to have a product like this on the market at all. But I know we do.
I think that if a woman wasn't going to eat it, smoke it, or drink it when she was pregnant she shouldn't do it after the baby comes out and is breastfeeding either. If she is going to go out on the town with the girls for an all night bender she should NOT be breastfeeding her baby the next morning with milk that is now tainted with whatever kamikaze or Alabama slammer she downed the night before to excess.
However, if she does so anyway she can use this handy-dandy kit to test her milk and tell her what common sense should have already....
Get out the formula and bottles and take 2 Tylenol for that hangover, Lady.
