My conversations with God have sounded something like this lately...
'I know you have a plan and that plan is perfect and I am thankful for that. BUT, I could really use some guidance down here right about now'
'They are sick...AGAIN!? I know I prayed for patience and maybe that wasn't wise but I believe you can deliver your children for any and all afflictions if it is Your will. So, could you please make it your will?'
'I'm really tired, I just want a break, I want to sleep all night and not wake up to my son banging on his door trying to convince me that it is morning and time to go to the 'playroom', or go through an industrial sized package of diapers in 1 week because my other son has severe constipation and refuses to poop more than a teaspoon at a time, and while we're on the subject I would really LOVE it if they could develop the cognitive development necessary to understand the concept of potty training. Can you help me with that?'
'Please touch the lives of those that are hurting today. Help me to remember that its not all about me and what I am going through. I have friends who have loved ones that are sick, undergoing surgeries, and fighting difficult diagnoses. Place your healing hand upon them and restore them as Your will allows. Give us each comfort in knowing You always make the right decision and we can rest in that knowledge. Help us to accept it when Your will does not align with ours.'
'I don't want to get fired from my job for missing so much work. Then again, maybe it would be better if I just stayed home since I seem to be here so much anyway. Could you help me make that decision? Can I make it on my own like that? Will I be able to make ends meet on child support alone? Please help me know what to do'
'Thank you Lord for listening to me ramble on like this, thank you that I can just talk to You and know You are listening and holding my tears in the palm of Your hand. Thank you for sending Your son for me. Forgive me for always questioning, and pleading, and crying at Your feet and not spending more time worshiping You and praising You during this storm'
I'm still praying and searching for answers to many of these prayers. I know He has the answers and I know that He will reveal them to me at the exact moment I need to have them.
I spend a lot of time talking to God like He is here in the room with me listening patiently (because He is!). I love that He's not rolling his eyes at me and thinking, 'Oh here we go AGAIN...'. I often ask Him for a clue as to what is going on around me. I don't need to know everything, just a cliff note or two. I would like some clarification on the never-ending question 'WHY?'
Then I have many moments when I feel guilty for questioning so much. Shouldn't I be able to accept blindly? Am I not mature enough in my walk with Jesus to be able to look at Him and and say, 'Thank you for this burden, thank you for this cross'. I want to help others and bless them through their troubles but much of the time I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.
I'd love to hear how all of you deal with your human-ness and the questions that you ask of God. What answers have you received to those difficult questions of the heart?
