Honoring #MikaelaLynch

Tomorrow over 300 autism and special needs bloggers are coming together to honor the life of nine year-old Mikaela Lynch who wandered from her family's vacation home in Clearlake, California on Sunday, May 12th.  Her body was found in nearby Cache Creek three days later. 

When tragedy befalls an innocent child it resonates in the hearts and minds of those who knew and loved her.  In Mikaela's case, the shock wave of her loss is magnified exponentially because every parent raising a child with autism realizes her parent's loss could easily have been their own. 

Within our community a hush fell over our keyboards on Wednesday as our typical blog posts and Facebook updates turned from snarky comments about our lives to words of shock and sadness over another tragic loss of an innocent child.

We have come together today to wrap our virtual arms around Mikaela's family, friends, teachers, and therapists.  We offer our sincere thanks to the hundreds of first responders and volunteers who tirelessly searched for her.  To those who opened their homes and businesses to the searchers we commend you for your kindness.

A number of resources have been made available to families raising children at risk for wandering or elopement.  Please take the time over the next few days to visit each and utilize any and all that may be helpful to you.

Project Lifesaver

MedicAlert Bracelets

Tattoos With A Purpose

Assurance Locking Systems

My prayers are with the Lynch family and the community of Clearlake.  As a parent of two sons with autism I know how precious their lives are and how easily accidents such as this can happen.


I have included a link-up below for those bloggers who have written a post in honor of Mikaela.  If you are interested in reading and/ or commenting on the posts you simply click on each one individually to be redirected.

It could be my child on that poster

**Update**

On Wednesday, May 15th the body of Mikaela Lynch was found in the Cache Creek near her parents' vacation home. 

My heart is heavy and I feel devastated by this loss. I know how easily it could have been my own son or that of a friend. 

Godspeed sweet girl. 
 

 

I am disgusted by the influx of media reports concerning nine year-old autistic child, Mikaela Lynch, of Clearlake, CA.  Mikaela disappeared from her family's yard on Sunday, May 12th while playing outside with her family.  Mikaela has a severe form of autism and is nonverbal and requires constant supervision.  She wears diapers and likes taking her clothing off.  What we know for certain about Mikaela's disappearance ends right there.  However, those in the media are all too quick to make assumptions and place blame upon her parents for being "incompetent" and "neglectful".

When I first heard about Mikaela's disappearance the first thing that struck me was how similar she sounds to my younger son, Noah.  Noah has very limited verbal abilities, he wears diapers, loves being outside and spends the majority of his time without clothing on his body.  He is attracted to water, loves trampolines and running.  I do not doubt for a second that if given the chance he would run away from the safety of his home or his school if something that interested him caught his eye.

I believe it because I have seen it happen time and time again.

Our children do not have the same fears as most their age.  They do not see a swimming pool and remember to put on their life jacket or floaties.  They do not see a busy street filled with cars and trucks and worry about stopping on the curb to wait for them to pass.  They absolutely do not understand the need to tell a parent before they leave the house.  They just go.

Individuals with more severe forms of autism do not understand the danger of doing these things.  To them they see a lake and think of the way it feels cool on their skin and how much they love to splash and play in the bathtub water at home.  They see the road in front of their house and they remember that across the street from it is the playground with the swings and sliding boards.  They fiddle with the lock on the front door long enough that they figure out how to unlock it and venture outside.  This is why parents like myself have to be extra vigilant in keeping our children safe.

Unfortunately, we can't be everywhere. 

Ask any parent of a child with special needs and I would wager more than half of them have experienced their child wandering away from home, school, or another public place.  Ask them how many times it has happened and I would once again bet it has happened more than once.

Are these children wandering because their parents are incompetent or neglectful? 

I would argue they are not.

All parents do their best to protect their children.  In our home we have locks on our doors and windows.  In the boys' bedroom we have even added thin particle board over the windows after Noah began climbing high into them and I feared the window would break and he would fall over three stories onto cement below.  While the boys are at school I make surprise visits to their classrooms and ensure the appropriate ratio of teacher and aides to students is as it should be.  When we are in public places I keep my hands on each of their wrists as we move about and I do not go anywhere without a second adult if I fear it may be too crowded for us to attend safely. 

However, I know all too well my limits and I have witnessed their testing.

Two years ago my older son, Sam, wandered away from his school.  Afterwards it was determined that two 1:1 aides thought he was with the other.  It was not until a teacher found him in a supply closet on the far end of the school that anyone knew he was gone from his classroom.  My eight year-old autistic son was able to elude two specially trained aides, his own special needs teacher, and a school full of students, other educators, and administrators.

Similarly, when Sam was three years-old he wandered away from our home in the middle of winter wearing no shoes or a coat.  He undid two door locks and a door chain and walked outside while I was downstairs with his baby brother folding laundry and talking to a friend.  He was found a little less than an hour later on the far end of our townhouse community trying to get inside someone's back patio door.

I would argue in both of those situations we were neither neglectful or incompetent.  What we were was extremely foolish to assume a child with autism could not or would not seize an opportunity to explore their surroundings.

I pray that Mikaela Lynch is found soon both for her own sake and for that of her family who must be in agony as the hours pass without her.  What they are experiencing right now is every parent's worst nightmare.  To see your child's face plastered to posters and news reports and to have to steel yourself to the speculations and jeers of those who'd rather point fingers and pass judgement than do something productive like lace up shoes and join the search.

What has happened with this family could happen to any of us. 

It could easily be one of my sons on that poster.

Rock bottom is relative

Words cannot describe how scared I was after hitting "publish" on last week's blog post. I wrote it just before leaving for work and when I checked in four hours later the dozens of comments, tweets, emails, and direct messages brought tears to my eyes.

That being said not everyone was happy with what I chose to share.  Ironically enough someone I once considered a friend posted the following on my Facebook page,

"Factitious disorders are mental health conditions in which an individual pretends as though he or she has a physical or mental illness. Individuals with these disorders have a strong desire to be seen as injured or ill. They deliberately create a set of symptoms to gain attention and sympathy from others. Individuals with factitious disorders might create symptoms that do not exist or lie about their experiences. They may also seek out diagnoses or insist that they have an illness.  A common factitous disorder is the characterization of being “addicted” to gain attention and sympathy."

My initial response to this comment was anger.  I was furious that anyone would dare to doubt my sobriety and the years of addiction that lead up to it.  However, after the shock wore off I realized why some might doubt my story.  They doubt because like so many alcoholics before me I hid it well. 

When I drank I did it at home away from my friends and my extended family.  I would hide my boxes of wine in the kitchen cabinets when I knew people were coming over.  I poured it into opaque plastic cups and refilled them quickly while in the kitchen cooking, preparing snacks for the kids, or otherwise appearing to be the perfect host to our guests.

Perfection, my ass.  The only thing I was perfect at was getting sloshed.

When I did drink in public I was very mindful of how much I drank because of my need to drive home afterwards.  I had a very good reason for being careful.

My grandmother was killed by a drunk driver.

That being said, I cannot lie and say I never drove under the influence of alcohol.  

I did. 

Three years ago I lost track of time at a social event and drove home drunk with my boys in the car with me.  It scared me so badly that I stopped drinking and went to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  My brief stint with sobriety lasted all of eighteen days.  

My fear of killing myself, my children or someone else because of my drinking was only powerful enough to keep me sober for eighteen fucking days.  You cannot imagine how disgusted I feel writing that.  Admitting my defects of character which were so blatant and yet so well hidden that as I passed from sober back to drunk no one was the wiser.

No one except me.

The point I am trying to make is that just because I never got caught doesn't mean I didn't have a serious problem with alcohol.  The common denominator of alcoholism is not getting a DUI, doing jail time, or developing cirrhosis of the liver.  Each person in recovery has their reasons and their evidence to support it and the only one who knows enough is enough is the person tipping back the bottle.  This can easily be seen in the alcoholic who has had three or more DUIs and continues to put themselves and others at risk.  It is not the fines, prison time, or random drug tests that teach them they have a problem.  They only see it when they reach their lowest point and surrender to it.  

I am thankful I reached rock bottom when I did and how I did.  I thank God I didn't end up on the evening news in handcuffs or in a courtroom losing custody of my children.  I am grateful my end came gently and quietly as if someone was ministering to me. 

I share my experience and my sobriety as a cautionary tale.  For the past four years it has been customary for me to write about my life, both the good and the bad, on my blog, via Twitter and Facebook and when Instagram came along I gave you a firsthand view.  I have made you laugh, cry, and got you riled up when an injustice has been done in our community.  But for all that time the one thing I didn't know how to write about was my addiction to alcohol.

I didn't want to talk about it because at the time I didn't want to stop.  Then I reached a point where I wanted to but didn't know how.  It was a scary tipping point for a long while and until I reached my rock bottom I withdrew from those I loved and cared about.  Both those in my computer and those outside of it.  Once I knew I had the strength to stop and get help I knew I had to come clean to all of you.  

Each of you are so much more to me than just readers.  You've become both my sounding board and my cheerleaders.  I realized that if I had a problem with alcohol maybe there were others reading who did too.  I have spent the past four years making jokes about my drinking to deal with stress and in doing so I failed to give you the punchline as well.  I have to let you know that so much of the drinking I did was not funny at all and in the end the joke was on me.


If you think you might have a problem with alcohol I urge you to talk to someone honestly about it.  There are many roads through recovery and in my case Alcoholics Anonymous has been very helpful.  In addition, I have also found reading blogs written by those in recovery very eye-opening and therapeutic.  It helps me to hear others stories and nod in our similarities and celebrate sober milestones.

Which reminds me....I've earned my three month chip.  It is a token I can carry in my pocket along side the serenity prayer coin given to me by my friend Amanda.  Each time I feel the urge to drink or I forget exactly why I stopped I touch it and thank God for its reminder that He is in control and I am not alone.

Acceptance.  Courage.  Wisdom.